I see many relationship books and coaching programs are referring ‘no contact’ as the first thing you should do when your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you. Some programs even claim their clients got their ex back only by implementing this technique.
However, I’m a little bit skeptical about this theory. When the first time I learned about this technique from a book, I thought it was interesting. At that time I was already married and didn’t have chance to implement this technique, but I told my buddies: ‘if your girlfriend breaks up with you, don’t call her. Maintain no contact with her. She will come back to you in a few weeks.’ I don’t want to tell what happened next, but I can tell you one friend is still angry with me about losing his ex.
This is an over looked theory and a lot of people recommend it even they have never tried. I found this theory was explained in a couple of coaching programs. The basic theory behind this is:
Three to four weeks after break up is the peak of loneliness. This theory is claiming if you don’t contact your ex proactively in three to four weeks, your ex should crave to contact you because s/he would feel extremely lonely. Then you have the control of this relationship over your ex.
In reality, the peak of loneliness can make your ex miss you and call you, but it can also make your ex feel lonely and to start looking for someone else. It depends on how strong your relationship is. If I and my wife don’t contact each other for four weeks, we are going to be desperate. But if one of you already see some issues that may be hard to get over, it’s hard to say your ex will desperately contacting you after three to four weeks.
If you read this far you might think I’m totally against this technique. Actually, I’m not. I do think ‘No Contact’ can bring you some benefit, but it has more to do with you instead of your ex, because:
1. It gives you time to cool down and avoid being desperate.
It’s a good idea not to contact your ex when you just break up, because your behaviors will be affected by the emotions. You will look like you’re lack of self-control or desperate.
2. It gives you time to seriously evaluate your relationship.
Sometimes, breakup is a good thing when both of you don’t intend to stay together any more, but just don’t want to bring it up first. It’s easier to see the whole picture of your relationship when you are calm and relax. Some people like to hold the relationship back when they are being dumped. It simply because they don’t want to accept the fact of being dumped. Such as they probably worry about being embarrassed, because they told their families and friends how great their partners are. Take this chance, listen to your heart and ignore what’s around you, re-valuate your relationship and decide if this is what you really want.
3. It gives you time to look back and see what you did wrong.
The best time to review yourself is when you are by yourself and calm. I often do a review by the end of month when I’m by myself and in a quiet space. This also applies to reviewing what you did to your relationship in the past.
4. It gives you time to focus on yourself.
Nothing can be better than you are living well and happy. I once heard from Tony Robbins that the best revenge is massive success. This philosophy is so true and it works for anything, the best revenge to your ex is to live well. Or we can say ‘The best defense for being in this situation is to live well’.
Overall, ‘no contact’ is not a magic pill as many people recommend, it certainly doesn’t guarantee to get your ex back. However, I think ‘no contact’ has its impact on how to improve your life and live well when you are in a breakup even you are not getting your ex back. Living well and happy is your responsibility to yourself, your family and the those who love you.