After many years I still find myself still giving the same advice to female friends about relationship, and there’s usually two types of problems that I’m asked to “solve”. Firstly, things seemed really perfect at the beginning and then the guy lost interest. Secondly, they’ve been in a relationship for a long time, but the guy’s either mistreating the girl or makes no further commitment.
Now, this isn’t a problem only women face, many women also do the same to men, but as a guy I can speak for why guys are often emotionally unavailable and also explain some of the common mistakes women make.
To understand the root of the problem, you have to know that some men are exciting to be with (the James Bond types so to speak), and some men are keepers. Never mix the two or try to turn the first type into the second type! Also, the feelings you have when you first start liking someone isn’t there to find you a suitable lifelong mate. It’s a way for your body to drive you to find an attractive mate with whom to reproduce with.
For example, a man that is taller, with broad shoulders, is a naturally attractive for most women because taller men with broad shoulders made better hunters. They were able to throw a spear from a greater height, and thus allowed them to hit prey from a greater distance. This might sound absurd because you’re not looking for a man that can hunt with a spear, and you might not even be looking to have kids. But I’m just using this to illustrate a point, especially because it is absurd. Stuff that’s totally inconsequential to your happiness, you might still find attractive because in the past it was important to our ancestors, and you inherited these preferences nevertheless.
Other things that women find attractive in men, confidence, wit, a good sense of humor, all these preferences exist because it’s to drive you to find a potentially smart and successful man, a guy that has a greater chance of succeeding in human society. Again, you might have your own career, and you don’t need a man to provide, but you’ll find these attributes innately attractive to you.
So here’s one of the secrets to finding happiness and being in a relationship that will last. Know that the initial attraction you have for a man is a good indicator for finding a “good catch” or an attractive male, but really bad for finding a “good partner”. Know there are two sides for qualifying a partner. Instinct, which is highly inaccurate and sound judgment.
Younger girls, and girls who complain they’re always asshole magnets find a man they have feelings for and then jump in, and when things start going sour try to change the guy, or get things to become sweet the way they were before.
Women with more experience, and finally understand what men are really like, demand to be treated with respect and have the guts to walk off if they’re not treated in such a way. They might not go for the most alpha or attractive men, men who take their breath away like at the beginning of a roller coaster ride. They might not go for the biggest stud, who makes a great first impression but will go for a man they do have a reasonable attraction for, and most importantly make sure the man respects them, and thus save themselves from the consequences of going on a roller coaster ride again and again.
There’s a very old English novel about sense and sensibility. This is the essence of the challenge. Do you want the excitement but heartache (sense) or go for someone that’ll treat you well (sensibility)? Most importantly, are you able to balance the two areas? You’ll find the best mates, and the relationships that do last a life time, last because two people managed to find a best friend. Not just someone they have feelings for, and then they have to lie to themselves about who they’re in a relationship with, because of those feelings.