anger in relationships

Are you frustrated about your spouse’s anger? Or you become angrier to counter attack? You probably heard many times already that control you anger level makes a difference in your relationship. However, it takes a lot of effort and practice to control it. Generally, women tend to lose their temper more often than men as they are more emotional. Study shows couples who can control their anger levels are more likely to stay in a relationship for a long term. In a relationship, if the man knows when and how to embrace his spouse’ anger, the relationship is more likely to improve to the next level of commitment. Why women get angry more often than men In this modern society, women are more likely to get frustrated more than men. Most of them don’t express that frustration, and they shift that pressure to something else. So you may find women sometimes get angry unreasonably. As women are more educated now, they want to achieve what men can achieve, but our culture still teaches that women who push themselves to get what they want are “tough” or offensive. Women, who get angry when they can’t have the fair chance to achieve what they want, are called “bitchy” or insulting. I didn’t understand how women could be so frustrated until my son was born. My wife loves her job and had a very good chance to get promotion. During her maternity leave, her company promoted another male worker, because they couldn’t wait until she goes back to work. For a while after that, my wife was very impatient and easy to get angry about small matters. I thought she was frustrated about the chores at the beginning. Eventually, I found out the real cause was the unfairness she received from her company. Getting pregnant and feeding baby is the nature of women. However, these responsibilities become the barrier of women achieving higher goals in nowadays. I also heard there is a hidden rule that many HR departments would have concern about hiring women who got married but don’t have baby yet. In such a society, women have to give up a lot more than men in order to get the same achievement. I’m not trying to impress female readers by giving them a reason to lose their temper anytime they feel things are not going in their way. Emotional bully is not considered under the discussion of this post. If you are not sure she is getting angry because of something else or just being an emotional bully. Why embrace her anger can save your relationship Embrace her anger at home, especially when nobody else is around. Put down your dignity as a man, show her your concerns about what caused her anger. When women get angry, step in, even it’s not your cause, or even your can’t solve the problem. As long as your care, she would feel your love and respect to her. She would appreciate that you can understand her and don’t only share her happiness but also other occasions of her life. How can you deal with her anger? It’s not easy to deal her anger as I often lost my temper when trying to embrace my wife’s anger. Here are some techniques I found useful and can make it much easier if you practice often. 1. Count three seconds before you say anything against her anger. Even if you are a hundred percent right and have all the reasons to persuade her that she is wrong, it’s not the right time to say it at this moment. If you really want to say something against her anger, count three seconds before you say it. Give yourself time to think of it one more time. Ask yourself ‘Is it really important to say it now? ‘. You’d better talk to her while she calms down and more relaxed. 2. LISTEN to her. To give you a real example, one day, my wife came home and complained about her professor from her master degree study. While she was talking, I was immediately thinking about what to say to make her feel better. So, I didn’t pay much attention on what she was talking. I thought I was doing the right thing to make her feel better, but she got more disappointed when she realized I didn’t pay attention to her. I say “listen to her”, and I mean really listen to her without thinking of anything else. How many of us are always thinking about what we want to say when others are talking to us. We focus on what we want to say instead of what we hear. Do not think what you want to say to answer her or tell her what to do. Only focus on what she says. 3. Active listening. Active listening is a very powerful technique to improve the communication quality. It uses widely in deal with difficult people and customer service. It also works well in relationship. Occasionally, repeating her key points when she is talking, gives her the signal you are listen to her. And when she feels you are listening to her, she feels you care about her. Overall, don’t be afraid of dealing with her anger. Treat it as a disaster then you will live in a disaster; treat it as a chance to make things better then you will make it better.